Embedded Files
% The Reality Shaper: A Musical Podcast
The Unearthing (Pilot)
% by Sarah Kaufman & Shane Dittmar
# Intro (00:00)
SARAH: Hi, I'm They,
SHANE: And I'm Them.
SARAH: We're the non-binary, disabled writing team behind The Reality Shaper: A Musical Podcast.
SHANE: That's what you're listening to right now.
SARAH: Sort of. What you're listening to right now is a rough draft of episode one that we pulled together in one week with a few of our friends.
SHANE: Rough draft you say? How is that different from a real podcast?
SARAH: Great question! Well, in the future, we're hoping to be able to bring you things such as
SHANE: Rich, immersive sound design,
SARAH: A much larger cast,
SHANE: Real instruments played by more than one musician.
SARAH: But in the meantime, sit back, relax, and enjoy
SHANE: The Reality Shaper: A Musical Podcast, Episode One:
BOTH: The Unearthing.
# Part 1 (00:37)
[SONG - Intro: A Beautiful City]
CB: THE HIGH ELVES OF YORE WERE A NOMADIC PEOPLE, ON A QUEST FOR THE HOMELAND THEY SEEK.
CB + ENSEMBLE: IT IS SAID THAT ONE DAY THEY DISCOVERED A MOUNTAIN, AND DECIDED TO CLIMB TO ITS PEAK. FROM THE TOP OF MOUNT ORPHEUS THEY SAW A VALLEY, AND DECLARED THEY WOULD NO LONGER ROAM. FROM THE FERTILE LAND THEY BUILT A BEAUTIFUL CITY,
CB: AND THEY CALLED IT CEDRELA, THEIR HOME.
[END SONG. A record scratch interrupts the last note and people inside of a tavern begin to laugh. A few applaud.]
DRUNK: (From the back of the room.) Boooooorrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnggggg.
[More laughter.]
CB: Excuse me?
DRUNK: No more faraway flipping folk songs. Tell us a story!
CB: I'm sorry, whose show do you think this is?
DRUNK: Only one way to find out!
ANOTHER DRUNK: Yeah! Tell a story!
CB: Alright, I know how to please the ever-so-considerate peanut gallery... (Grandly.) This is the tale of Orpheus and Euridice.
DRUNK: Booo.
CB: What?
ANOTHER DRUNK: Heard it last week.
DRUNK: Manaiis Itchell did it better, right?
ANOTHER DRUNK: Yeah!
DRUNK: Tell us one we haven't heard.
CB: How about the epic journey of my foot up your ass?
ANOTHER DRUNK: Betcha anything they don’t know a single good story.
DRUNK: And you call yourself a bard...
CB: Okay, you know what? I know a story, alright. One you definitely haven’t heard before. And it’s a doozy!
DRUNK: (Mockingly.) Doozy!
CB: Yeah. It’s a damn good story. And a bad story. A good-bad story. A story about order... and chaos... and...
[The drunks laugh]
CB: Forbidden cheese.
[The laughter falls quiet.]
DRUNK: Cheese?
CB: Now I’ve got your attention. It’s a story about a hero. And, of course, it has a villain...
A VOICE: Who is this hero?
CB: Oh, you'll meet him soon enough. But first you oughtta get acquainted with his city. The place he was born and raised, and the setting of our epic tale...
[The ambiance of the tavern fades under this introduction, replaced by crickets and birds and the sounds of early morning.]
CB (V.O.): Our story begins in the city of the high elves, where the morning is so young that the sun has not yet begun to rise. A very dapper and attractive and talented bard sits on the roof of a tavern, tuning their worn instrument beneath the dying stars. That's me, by the way. And I am definitely not talking to my lyre...
CB: There you go, my sweetness, my darling, light of my life.
[They strum a chord.]
CB (V.O.): But of course, Cedrela isn’t only home to High Elves. There’s plenty of diversity if you know where to look. Like the tavern-keeper, a demling woman who at this very moment is dragging herself out of bed to open her doors. Or the human mother, kneeling in her garden, digging out potatoes for the evening’s stew. Or... And here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting for. Our hero, Boris Dragonheart, a young, copper-scaled dragonborn who wakes early each morning to go for a run and take in his city.
[SONG - Welcome to Cedrela]
BORIS: EACH MORNING THE SUN RISES OVER MOUNT ORPHEUS CASTING ITS SHADOW DOWN BELOW. AND THE PEOPLE ARE RISING, TOO, GREETING THE MORNING DEW, GETTING THEIR KIDS READY TO GO. AND THERE’S BEAUTY EVERYWHERE, IF YOU’VE GOT THE TIME TO SPARE. WELCOME TO CEDRELA! THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITY OF ALL. WELCOME TO CEDRELA! WHERE EVERY CITIZEN, GREAT OR SMALL, KNOWS THEY’RE LIVING IN THE SAFEST PLACE, IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG, THE GUARD IS ON THE CASE, SO WELCOME TO CEDRELA, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITY OF ALL!
[The sound of Boris running fades as a woman yells.]
JULIA: CB, how many times have I told you to stay off the roof?!
CB (V.O.): Said tavern keeper, lovingly chewing out her favorite renter.
CB: Good morning to you too, Julia.
JULIA: I wouldn’t sass me if I were you, you still owe me for the last three weeks.
CB: YOU MAKE EXCUSES WHEN THE RENT IS OVERDUE. Really? Could have sworn I just paid you. YOU CHEAT AND LIE AND SHIFT THE BLAME.
JULIA: Sure. Three weeks ago.
CB: BENDING THE TRUTH IS JUST A THING YOU HAVE TO DO. Time is but a social construct. WHEN YOU’VE GOT SHIT-ALL TO YOUR NAME.
JULIA: Stop singing and pay your goddamn rent.
CB: I’m a bard! Singing pays my goddamn rent!
[The music stops. Back in the bar,]
JULIA: Ha! Never has, never will!
CB: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh, this is my story, my story. This is not a collaborative artform.
[Patrons laugh.]
CB: Now where were we? Oh yes.
[Music starts again. Back in the story,]
BORIS: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITY OF ALL...
CB (V.O.): Meanwhile, across town, Rachel Sorrel, beleaguered mother of three, is scouring her herb garden for anything she might be able to scrounge a meal out of. She isn’t exactly having fun, but she is enjoying her tiny moment of peace. After all, she’s got a few minutes before her little monsters roll out of bed and start causing trouble.
[A door opens and small, fast feet begin to run.]
FRANKIE: I’m gonna be a fireman!
CB (V.O): Nevermind.
RACHEL: Frankie, where did you get matches? Put those down, right now! Walter, put some pants on if you’re gonna run around the front yard. Boys, where is your sister?
CB (V.O): Chaos rises with the sun at the Sorrel household.
RACHEL: EACH MORNING, THE MOUNTAIN CASTS ITS SHADOW DOWN ON YOU,
CB: “YOU’RE HELLA SCREWED,” IT SEEMS TO SAY.
CB, JULIA, + RACHEL: HERE, WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE STARVING AND NOBODY LENDS A HAND...
CB: YOU PLUCK YOUR STRINGS AND SING AND PLAY. ‘CAUSE YOU COULD CATCH THE MOUNTAIN TRAIN,
CB, JULIA, + RACHEL: IF YOU HAD A HUNDRED GOLD.
CB: WELCOME TO CEDRELA! BUCKLE UP, YOU’RE THOROUGHLY STUCK. IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE CEDRELA, YOU NEED CASH OR YOU’RE SHIT OUTTA LUCK. SO THERE ARE TRICKSTERS, AND THERE ARE THE ONES THEY TRICK, EITHER SCAMMER OR SCAMMED, GO ON AND TAKE YOUR PICK, THAT’S JUST THE WAY HERE IN CEDRELA, PRETTY QUICK, YOU STOP GIVING A--
JULIA: Stuck up there?
CB: Just taking in the sunrise, Julia.
JULIA: Ugh. Off the roof, CB!
CB: Dear gods, fine!
BORIS + CEDRELIANS: (Simultaneously with below.) EACH MORNING THE SUN RISES, OVER MOUNT ORPHEUS, CASTING ITS SHADOW DOWN BELOW. AND THE PEOPLE ARE RISING, TOO, GREETING THE MORNING DEW, GETTING THEIR KIDS READY TO GO.
CB + CEDRELIANS: (Simultaneously with above.) YOU MAKE EXCUSES WHEN THE RENT IS OVERDUE. YOU CHEAT AND LIE AND SHIFT THE BLAME. BENDING THE TRUTH IS JUST A THING YOU HAVE TO DO. WHEN YOU’VE GOT SHIT-ALL TO YOUR NAME.
BORIS + CB: AND THERE’S BEAUTY EVERYWHERE, WITH
BORIS: THE TIME
CB: THE GOLD
BORIS + CB: TO WASTE!
ALL: WELCOME TO CEDRELA!
BORIS: WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO LEAVE?
ALL: WHEN YOU’RE IN CEDRELA,
CB: KEEP AN ACE OR TWO UP YOUR SLEEVE.
BORIS: IT’S THE PERFECT HOME FOR A LAWFUL MAN,
CB: IF YOU WANNA GET OUT, YOU NEED A FOOL-PROOF PLAN. TO GET THE HELL OUT OF CEDRELA,
BORIS: WELCOME TO CEDRELA!
CB: YOU BETTER LEARN HOW TO DECEIVE.
BORIS: (Simultaneously with below.) THE MOUNTAIN IS THIRTY THOUSAND FEET HIGH. THE MOUNTAIN RANGE IS IMPENETRABLE.
CB: (Simultaneously with above.) THERE ARE TRICKSTERS, AND THERE ARE THE ONES THEY TRICK. EITHER SCAMMER OR SCAMMED, GO ON AND TAKE YOUR PICK.
BORIS + CB: CEDRELA, WOULD YOU TELL US ALL THE SECRETS THAT YOU HIDE, IF I’M REACHING WOULD YOU TEACH ME HOW TO FLY?
ALL: WELCOME TO CEDRELA! WHERE THE SUMMIT’S IMPOSSIBLY TALL. IT TOWERS ABOVE CEDRELA, LIKE A MASSIVE, INSULAR WALL. IT KEEPS US ALL LIKE A HOMETOWN BOND, AND IT KEEPS THE TOWN FROM THE WORLD BEYOND, YET WE SING WELCOME TO CEDRELA... WELCOME TO CEDRELA...
BORIS: THE MOST STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL,
CB: FUCKING DETESTABLE,
BORIS: WONDERFUL,
CB: TERRIBLE,
BORIS + CB: PRETTY
CB: SHIT
ALL: CITY OF ALL!
[END SONG]
# Ad 1 (10:13 )
SHANE: We'll be right back after this totally real message.
[A low-fi beat plays under the ad, which is voiced in a soothing tone by Sarah.]
ANNOUNCER 1: Hello, Cedrela. Now, you may have heard a lot of rumors floating around about The Horseshoe Tavern, which has been a staple of town square for decades. You may have heard that the ale is watered down, that we have a monkey-rat infestation in the basement, that the rooms upstairs are covered in mold, and that we saw more stabbings take place in the last year than in all the previous years combined.
[Ding.]
ANNOUNCER 1: But I'm here to tell you that The Horseshoe Tavern has a cappuccino machine now. Yeah. So, how dangerous could we be?
[The sound of a massive collapse.]
ANNOUNCER 1: Ow.
# Part 2 (11:01 )
CB (V.O.): And so our hero, Boris Dragonheart, finishes his run - in record time, by the way - and makes his way back home through his beloved city. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s just in time for breakfast.
[Sizzling eggs, clinking plates, kitchen noises. A door opens.]
EDITH: Boris! Back already.
BORIS: (Slightly out of breath.) Yep.
LLOYD: He gets faster every day.
EDITH: I’d expect nothing less from our little work-a-holic.
LLOYD: Come, sit! Your mother made the famous Dragonheart eggs.
EDITH: You know, Boris. Your father and I were just talking about Nancy Forgeworth. You remember Nancy, don’t you? Her family sits in front of ours at church. I heard she was looking for some nice boy to settle down with...
LLOYD: Edith...
EDITH: What?
CB (V.O.): The ever-so-slightly pushy mama Dragonborn would be Boris’s mother, Edith Dragonheart, devout follower of the Church of Draxis and expert egg scrambler. She means well, she’s just a touch overbearing.
EDITH: I think Nancy Forgeworth would make a fine match for him. She’s perhaps a little more dull than the other girls, but she’s never shown any inclination towards disloyalty or improper behavior.Besides, our boy couldn’t handle too much excitement in a marriage. He’s far too anxiety-prone and nervous.
LLOYD: Nancy Forgeworth is a fine girl. But she hasn’t done much to differentiate herself from any of the other girls who fawn over our boy.
CB (V.O.): And that’s Lloyd Dragonheart, Boris’s father and Captain of the Cedrelian Royal Guard. Lloyd’s father, incidentally, was also Captain of the Cedrelian Guard. And his father’s father was Captain of the Cedrelian Guard. And his father’s father’s father was a farmer... until he helped to forge and found the Cedrelian Guard and - you guessed it - served as Captain. With such a rich family history, it’s really only a matter of time before Boris takes up his ancestral mantle. And they wonder why he’s so anxious all the time.
EDITH: Well isn’t that exactly why she should be the one? His wife shouldn’t be a show-off.
CB (V.O): Ah, yes. There’s that wife Edith is always talking about. Boris doesn’t question his mother’s assumption that he’ll marry a woman. Having a wife is part of their plan, so a wife he will have. Regardless of whether he’s attracted to women in the first place. Which he is. He’s just also attracted to men, and, well, everything in between, if you catch my drift. But Boris is very used to letting his parents make these kinds of decisions for him, so he almost misses it entirely when his father says...
LLOYD: What do you want to do?
BORIS: ...Huh?
LLOYD: What do you think of Nancy, Boris?
CB (V.O): Boris doesn’t think about Nancy Forgeworth much at all.
BORIS: She’s... erm, that is... She’s very... pretty?
CB (V.O.): Nailed it.
EDITH: You see? They’d be delightful together.
LLOYD: Now, now, Edith. Marriage isn’t like boarding school, Boris has to approve of whoever you decide to pair him up with. More than approve, he has to genuinely enjoy their company. After all, it would be a shame to deprive him of the love I feel every time I see your face.
EDITH: Oh, stop that! I’m old and wrinkled.
LLOYD: You’re as young as the day we met.
EDITH: I’ve aged!
LLOYD: Like a fine, fine wine, my dear.
EDITH: (Flustered.) Oh! Really!
CB (V.O.): Any other child would probably find such a display of parental affection disgusting to witness, but of course Boris loves to watch their antics. He likes seeing how adoring his parents are, even after decades of marriage.
[Slow string music starts under the narration.]
CB (V.O.): Everything Boris knows about love, he learned from them. He knows love isn’t the grand sweeping gestures of lore or the gallant rescues of fairy tales. It isn’t the hookups that his boarding school friends whisper about over a few pints, or the one couple in the mess hall overdoing it on the PDA. Love is an eye roll, a smack upside the head, a fond smile that can’t quite be stifled. Love is laughter bubbling up from a tear stained face, an interlocking of pinkies on a hard day, an embrace that lasts fifteen minutes before anyone at all goes to pull away.
[CB gags and the music cuts with a record scratch.]
CB (V.O.): I know, I know. Revolting. But this thorough education is how Boris knows that he feels none of the above for Nancy Forgeworth.
LLOYD: So how about it, Boris?
BORIS: I’m, um... Not sure I feel anything for her.
EDITH: Well, of course you don’t! It doesn’t come out of nowhere. I’ll arrange a date between the two of you, and then you can tell us if sparks fly!
LLOYD: Darling, he said--
EDITH: I thought we were suddenly letting Boris decide. Boris, dear, don’t you want to give Nancy Forgeworth a fair shot?
[SONG - By the Book]]
LLOYD: Well, Boris? What do you want?
BORIS: I WANT TO DO WHAT’S RIGHT. I WANT TO DO WHAT’S GOOD. I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I SHOULD. I WANT TO MAKE THEM PROUD. I WANT TO BE THE SON THAT THEY DESERVE, I WANT TO SAY I DON’T WANT TO DATE NANCY, BUT I DO NOT HAVE THE NERVE. CUZ’ BY THE BOOK IS HOW I PLAY, TIME AFTER TIME, DAY AFTER DAY, IT’S ALL I WANT, IT’S ALL I NEED, IT’S ALL I KNOW. YES, BY THE BOOK’S MY ONLY MODE, I WALK THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW ROAD, IF MOM SAYS SO, THEN HOW CAN I REFUSE TO GO? Of course, Mother.
EDITH: Wonderful! I’ll set it up!
BORIS: I should really get to work.
LLOYD: That’s right! Don’t be late, or I might have to fire you!
BORIS: (Worried.) You’re joking, right?
LLOYD: Yes.
BORIS: Thank Draxis...
EDITH: As if my son has ever been late a day in his life.
LLOYD: According to Hordeson, he’s got his nose glued to his desk an hour before any of the other Cadets even arrive.
BORIS: Well, I have to make a good impression.
LLOYD: Keep up the good work, my boy, and you have nothing to worry about.
EDITH: Have a good day, darling!
[The door closes, sounds out on the street of carriages and birds.]
BORIS: I WANT TO BE THE BEST, CEDRELA’S EVER SEEN. I WANT TO RECEIVE A COMMENDATION FROM THE QUEEN. I’M GONNA PLAY IT SAFE, AND SYSTEMATICALLY PUT OUT EVERY FLAME, I’M GONNA HAVE A STAND-UP REPUTATION SEP’RATE FROM MY FAM’LY NAME. CUZ’ BY THE BOOK IS HOW I LIVE, IN EVERYTHING SUPERLATIVE, FOLLOW THE PLAN, FOLLOW THE RULES, AND PLAY MY PART. AND BY THE BOOK’S THE ONLY WAY, TO MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY DAY, I GOT THE GRADE, IT’S TIME TO PROVE I’VE GOT THE HEART.
CB (V.O): Boris heads across town to Guardsmen Headquarters, and it isn’t long before a familiar face joins him at his desk.
[A few taps on the desktop.]
TRAVIS: KEEPING UP WITH THE LATEST FROM THE ALL-KNOWING GRAPEVINE, GETS REAL EASY WHEN YOU’RE BEST FRIENDS WITH THE GARDNER.
CB (V.O.): That's Travis, Boris’s best friend, office gossip.
TRAVIS: AND BOY, B, HAVE I GOT THE BIGGEST SCOOP CEDRELA HAS, AND BOY, WILL YOU BE GLAD THAT I’M YOUR PARTNER! BECAUSE THE WORD ON THE STREET IS SARGENT HORDESON’S LEAVING IN THE FALL, WHICH MEANS THE GUARD’S IN THE MARKET TO GIVE SOMEONE A PROMOTION AFTER ALL, BUT JUST YOU WAIT, HERE COMES PART TWO... CUZ’ THE WORD ON THE STREET IS IT MIGHT JUST BE YOU.
BORIS: No way. If someone’s getting promoted, it’ll be Grossman or Sanders... It’ll probably be Harrison. He’s been here a year longer than us.
TRAVIS: You better hope it’s not Harrison! I don’t like that guy.
BORIS: Well, it won’t be me, okay? I bet I’m the last person on their list.
TRAVIS: Don’t be so sure. If I were you, I’d be packing my desk.
[Boris laughs.]
TRAVIS: Oh man, I can’t wait until you’re my boss. I think if I could just do paperwork all day, I’d be the happiest half-orc on this side of the mountain...
BORIS: I WANNA MAKE MY TOWN, THE SAFEST IT CAN BE. I WANNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE. AND THIS COULD BE MY CHANCE, SO I SEE NO REASON TO DELAY, THEY’RE GONNA SEE THE QUIET, ANXIOUS, OVERACHIEVING SON OF THE CAPTAIN SAVE THE DAY, AND EVERYONE WILL LIFT ME ON THEIR SHOULDERS,AND I’LL NEVER BE AFRAID I’M NOT ENOUGH AGAIN. AND EACH DECISION THAT I MAKE, I’LL MAKE WITH CONFIDENCE AND GRACE. AND NOT A SHRED OF FEAR. BUT UNTIL THEN... IT’S BY THE BOOK! YES, BY THE BOOK!
GUARDSMEN ENSEMBLE: IT’S BY THE BOOK, IT’S BLACK AND WHITE, FIND OUT WHAT’S TRUE, FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT, FOLLOW THE PLAN, AND BE THE MAN THEY SEE IN YOU. YES, BY THE BOOK, THE LAWFUL WAY TO SPEND YOUR EACH AND EVERY DAY, DO WHAT YOU SHOULD, DO WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU TO DO.
BORIS: BY THE BOOK IS HOW I LIVE, NO SINGLE GOOD ALTERNATIVE, SOLID AND TRUE, GIVE EVERYTHING THAT I CAN GIVE. BY THE BOOK, STRONG AND CORRECT, SOMEBODY WORTHY OF RESPECT, JUST AS I PLANNED, BE NOBLE AND ABOVE ALL LIVE... BY THE BOOK.
GUARDSMEN ENSEMBLE: BY THE BOOK... BY THE BOOK...
BORIS: BY THE BOOK.
[END SONG. Quiet, then BANG! The door to headquarters flies open.]
HOUSEKEEPER: Help! Help! Help!
[Boris’s chair falls to the ground as he jumps up. A metal sound as he loosens his sword.]
BORIS: What is it?
HOUSEKEEPER: I-I came from the Downey Estate, there-- There’s an intruder, they’re being robbed!
TRAVIS: It’s alright, ma’am. We just need a little more information. Who are you? What exactly happened?
HOUSEKEEPER: I-I-I’m the housekeeper. I arrived for work this morning and the lady was outside, trembling... she dropped all the groceries on the ground, they were everywhere. All that fresh produce just strewn...
TRAVIS: Why was she outside?
HOUSEKEEPER: An intruder, she said. Stephen - Mr. Downey - said he’d take care of it, but he didn’t come back out. She told me to run here and get help. So, please, help!
TRAVIS: No one else is here yet, B.
BORIS: It’s you and me, Travis. Let’s go.
CB (V.O.): Boris and Travis rush to the Downey Estate, and Boris barely has time to consider the lunacy - or the sheer audacity - of a thief striking the house of Stephan Downey, in broad daylight no less! The Downeys, after all, aren’t just any rich Cedrelian couple. They’re well-loved philanthropists and benefactors of the Cedrelian Royal Guard, known for throwing galas to fundraise and donating large sums from their own pockets. And, with Boris on the case, there’s no way this intruder is getting away. He wastes no time. The second the carriage pulls up to the lush yard which surrounds the Downey’s enormous home, Boris hits the ground running, ready to kick some ass and take some names.
[The carriage stops, door is flung open. We hear Maria sniffling.]
BORIS: Mrs. Downey?
MARIA: Yes, yes, that’s me.
BORIS: I’m Cadet Boris Dr--
MARIA: --Dragonheart, yes, of course, Lloyd’s son. We met at the spring gala.
BORIS: Yes, ma’am. And this is my partner, Travis.
TRAVIS: Can you tell us what happened?
MARIA: It was...
[She dissolves again into sobbing.]
MARIA: T-Took my necklace!
BORIS: Travis, stay with her and see if you can help. I’m going in.
CB (V.O.): Boris, with perfect form, marches up the stairs and through the ostentatious front doors of the Downey estate, before pausing to perform a 100% perfect visual threat assessment.
BORIS: This place is huge!
[Slow footsteps through an echoy foyer.]
CB (V.O.): He stops every few feet to reassess, as instructed by the patrol guide, but Boris eventually gets through the gilt foyer to the first-floor living room, where he makes a shocking discovery.
[A man grunts and mumbles.]]
BORIS: (Quietly.) Mr. Downey! Here, let me...
DOWNEY: (Quietly.) Boris, thank God. My study - the mad man is in my study. Untie me, my boy.
BORIS: I’m sorry, sir, the knots look tangled, and protocol requires I pursue the intruder first. But I’ll be right back.
CB (V.O.): Warily, Boris creeps down the hall to the door Downey indicated. Peering through the crack in the door, he sees an elf with a flaming red head of hair standing on Mr. Downey’s desk to dig through the contents of his higher shelves.
[The sounds of grunts and things being thrown and breaking.]
CB (V.O.): And hanging around their neck - sticking out almost comically against their worn-out tunic - is Mrs. Downey’s famous diamond necklace. A dazzling, gaudy thing with at least 25 perfectly pure diamonds. (Whispering.) That'll be important later.
CB: (Muttering.) Stuck-up rich people with their massive goddamn houses.
CB (V.O.) This elf, incidentally, is a very dapper and attractive and talented bard.
[Door kick.]
BORIS: Put your hands in the air!
[SONG - Big Bad]]
CB: Why?
BORIS: What--? I--? What do you mean, why? You’re under arrest for trespassing. And stealing. Put your hands in the air.
CB: Oh, I see. I’ve stolen your heart.
BORIS: What?
CB: This happens to me more often than you’d think. I get it, some people find me utterly irresistible.
[A big crash.]]
CB: YOU’RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST, ARE YOU? I MEAN, YOU’RE LUCKY THAT YOU’RE CUTE. BUT WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO? LITTLE BOY, YOU’LL WANNA SCRAM, ONCE I TELL YOU WHO I AM... I AM THE BIG BAD. I AM THE BIG BAD. I AM THE BIG BAD BITCH WITH THE BIG BAD BARK, AND YOU’RE A TEDDY BEAR DRESSED UP LIKE A NARC, AND THERE’S NO WAY I’M GONNA STOP, SO I SUGGEST THAT YOU, RUN HOME TO YOUR DAD, ‘CAUSE I’M THE BIG BAD. Look, I’m flattered, really. But I don’t think I have enough free time at the moment to commit to a relationship. Which is a shame, because you’re very attractive. Don’t think I could pull it off, but the scales really work for you.
BORIS: Excuse me?
CB: You’re excused.
BORIS: Hey! Get back here!
DOWNEY: (yelling) No, don’t go in there!
BORIS: Now listen here! If you don’t cooperate with law enforcement, you’ll face a steeper penalty and even more jail time. Is that what you want?
CB: Ooh, tell me more about how steep your penalty is. I’ve been a naughty, naughty elf and I need to be punished.
BORIS: (Squeaks.)
CB: YOU’RE NOT THE QUICKEST, MY GUY. IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL A FIGHT? SURE, GO AHEAD AND TRY, I DON’T REALLY GIVE A DAMN, DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHO I AM? I AM THE BIG BAD.
BORIS: You’re, um, you’re not very big.
CB: I AM THE BIG BAD.
BORIS: Seriously, what are you, five feet?
CB: I AM THE BIG BAD BITCH WITH THE BIG BAD BITE, I HOPE YOU CAME PREPARED FOR A BIG BAD FIGHT, AND IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA STOP WHAT I CAME HERE TO DO, THEN YOU MUST BE MAD, ‘CAUSE I’M THE BIG BAD.
BORIS: That’s enough! Put your hands in the air or I’ll have to use necessary force.
CB: Wow, you are a terrible liar.
BORIS: I’m not lying!
CB (V.O.): Suddenly, the bard tugs out one of the many children’s books - a thick tome that looks a bit out of place among the other colorful titles - and it jams about half way out.
[Rumbling.]
CB (V.O.): A lever. And as it’s pulled, a trap door slides open between the elf and the Guardsmen.
CB: They put it in the kids’ room? That’s messed up.
BORIS: Stop right there. This isn’t a game. You’re under arrest.
CB: ARE YOU REALLY THIS DENSE, FUCKFACE? OUT OF EVERYONE HERE, I AM NOT THE ONE LEAVING IN CUFFS. WAVE YOUR SWORD ALL YOU LIKE, BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
BORIS: Hey!
[CB's footsteps take off down the revealed stairs. Boris's steps and panting echo in the space as he follows.]
CB (V.O.): The stairs lead down to a dirty stone hallway beneath the Downey’s home, which stretches on into the darkness.
BORIS: Would you please stop running?!
CB (V.O.): Boris can hear footsteps and a door opening somewhere further down. And one more thing.
[A child crying.]
BORIS: Is that... crying?
CB (V.O.): Nothing could have prepared Boris for the sight that awaits him at the end of the hallway.
CB: Hey, shh, it’s gonna be okay. It's okay. It's okay.
MISSY: (Sniffling.) I want my mom.
CB: Don’t you worry, munchkin. I’m gonna get you home to Rachel and she’s gonna give you the biggest hug. Come here.
[CB grunts as they pick up Missy and turn around. Missy's breathing slows.]
CB: Are you still here?
BORIS: What... Who is that?
CB: Missy Sorrel. Rachel’s daughter.
MISSY: Is my mom okay?
CB: You bet. She offered me 20 gold to bring you home.
[Missy giggles.]
BORIS: But... But that makes no sense.
DOWNEY: It’s not what it looks like, Boris!
MISSY: What a pretty necklace...
[Tinkling as Missy grabs the necklace.]
CB: Thanks, kid, I stole it.
BORIS: Why didn’t she just report the kidnapping to the guard?
CB: She did. And you shitbags did nothing. Even though Missy was only blocks away from your little home base, locked inside your benefactor’s dungeon. Gee, I wonder why!
BORIS: If you’re implying the Guard knew anything about this...
CB: What are you gonna do? Arrest me? (Laugh.) Wow, you still don’t get it, do you? I’M NOT THE BIG BAD. I’M NOT THE BIG BAD. NO, THERE’S A BIGGER BAD RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, SO TELL ME, GUARDSMAN, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? ‘CAUSE IF YOU SERVE AND YOU PROTECT LIKE YOU PURPORT TO, THEN YOU SHOULD BE GLAD, I CAUGHT THE BIG BAD.
[END SONG]
BORIS: You’re still engaging in criminal activity.
CB: Yeah, I think we let this one slide.
BORIS: You need to face trial.
CB: Fine! Bring me to Rachel Sorrel, and I’ll let you cuff me, deal?
BORIS: I don’t make deals with criminals.
[The front door opens and we hear the sounds of the Downey's yard again.]
CB: Given the circumstances, I’m sure you can make an exception.
TRAVIS: What’s going on?
BORIS: Downey is hogtied in the living room. Arrest him and bring his wife in for questioning.
TRAVIS: Wait, wait, wait. Arrest Stephan and Maria Downey?!
BORIS: That’s what I said.
CB: Are we going, or what?
CB (V.O.): Finally giving in to the criminal’s demands, Boris escorts the elf and little Missy Sorrel back home, into the slightly poor-er part of town. A place without lavish yards or massive foyers. To a small house where Rachel Sorrel, single mother of three, breaks into tears the second she lays eyes on her daughter.
[A door opens.]
RACHEL: Missy!
MISSY: Mom!
RACHEL: Are you okay?
MISSY: Mm-hm.
RACHEL: Where did you-- How did you find her?
CB: It was no trouble.
RACHEL: Let me get my purse.
CB: Don’t you dare. Just put it in a college fund or something...
[Rachel hums as she hugs them.]
CB: Oh. Um. Hugging. Okay.
RACHEL: Thank you, CB. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Gosh. Love, you’re covered in dirt. I’ll run a bath. Don’t you ever run off like that again!
[The front door closes, cutting off Rachel and Missy.]
CB: Here you are, two highly hand-cuffable wrists, as promised.
[Handcuffs close.]
BORIS: CB. That’s your name?
CB: Yup.
BORIS: Like, the letters?
CB: Like the letters.
BORIS: What does it--
CB: And you’re Boris. At least, according to your heinous friend.
BORIS: Stephan Downey is not my friend.
CB: He was pretty friendly with you. Then again, he went on and on about how no guardsman would arrest him - you know, while I was tying him up? Got so annoying I had to cover his big, stupid mouth. But you... You sent him right to the clanger didn’t you?
BORIS: I- I did.
CB: Wouldn’t wanna be Stephan Downey right now.
BORIS: But you’re also in handcuffs. You’re also going to jail.
CB: Oof. One for two, my guy.
BORIS: Huh?
CB: I said I’d let you cuff me. Not that I’d let you arrest me.
BORIS: Well, I don’t need your permission, and I’m placing you under arrest.
CB: Oh. So you are. Good work! Hey, up top.
[They give him a high five.]
BORIS: Wait. How did you--?!
CB: Thanks for the cuffs, Boris, I’m sure I’ll make great use of these.
BORIS: Hang on, I need those back!
CB: (Further away.) See you around!
BORIS: This isn’t over! (Quieter, to himself) This isn’t over...
# Ad 2 (31:39)
SHANE: The Reality Shaper is made possible by people like you, and
[Another fake ad, with Shane and Sarah playing the voices of everyone we hear.]
ANNOUNCER 2 [SHANE]: Cedrela: city of the high elves, gem of Gamorin, the safest, most beautiful, most wonderful city in the world. But don't take it from me, let's ask the locals!
LOCAL 1 [SHANE]: After college, I had a world full of choices, and I chose Cedrela 'cause it's the best place to have money. And boy do I!
LOCAL 2 [SARAH]: When I saw his ads in the paper, I just knew I had to write him right away! He courted me by mail until, one weekend, I finally came up to visit him in Cedrela. Thank Draxis the train's so expensive, otherwise I might've gone home.
LOCAL 3 [SHANE]: I feel so safe here! Everywhere else, they just let thieves and criminals run free. But here, they kill them!
LOCAL 4 [SARAH]: Sorry, I may not be the best person to interview, I don't actually like --
ANNOUNCER 2: We've got your daughter.
LOCAL 4: Cedrela's the best.
ANNOUNCER 2: That's right, Cedrela is the best! Welcome to Cedrela, the only home you'll ever have-- I mean want-- I mean need! This has been a message from the Cedrelian Tourism Board. Paid for by Queen Cadina the Generous.
# Part 3 (32:44)
CB (V.O.): The rest of the day, no matter how hard he tries, Boris can’t get the encounter out of his head. The elf had broken into a home, stolen a priceless family heirloom, and freed a child in one fell swoop. But they can’t have been all that money-motivated if they rejected payment from Rachel Sorrel. They’re throwing him off. Confusing him. They don’t make any sense. And Boris can’t let it go. So Boris does what Boris always does when things get confusing. He talks to his parents.
LLOYD: The Downeys, god. Even hearing it first hand, it doesn’t seem real. All those years of service to the city...
BORIS: They’re locked up now, dad. They can’t hurt anyone else.
LLOYD: Thanks to you, my boy. That was mighty fine work.
EDITH: But the elf girl? She really got away?
BORIS: Oh, um, I don’t think they were a girl.
EDITH: But you said it didn’t sound like a man.
BORIS: Some people are neither one. But I didn’t exactly get the chance to ask for pronouns.
CB (V.O.): They/them, thanks.
EDITH: Still, it’s not like you. My Boris always catches the bad guy.
BORIS: Bad guy?
LLOYD: Give him a break. This was a good learning experience. Boris will definitely catch the diamond thief tomorrow, or the next day!
BORIS: Diamond thief?
LLOYD: Well, what would you call them?
BORIS: I don’t know. I mean, what they did wasn’t exactly lawful, but it did probably save a life. I guess I’m a little confused as to what they are.
[SONG - Lawful Good]
EDITH: Oh, darling, there’s nothing to be confused about!
BORIS: There isn’t?
EDITH: Of course not! THERE ARE THOSE WHO CHOOSE TO LIVE THE LIE, THAT EVERYTHING IS RANDOM, THEN YOU DIE. THE TRUTH, MY BOY, IS FAR MORE CUT AND DRY. THE GOOD GUY ALWAYS GETS THE BAD GUY. BECAUSE IF YOU DO GOOD, YOU’RE GOOD. AND IF YOU DO BAD, YOU’RE NOT. THE GUARD WILL BE DEPLOYED, ALL EVIL-NESS DESTROYED, THE GOOD FIGHT WILL SOON BE FOUGHT. IT’S NOT FOR US TO CHOOSE THE LAW OR WHO DELIBERATES IT, JUST TO SET THE CROOKED RECORD STRAIGHT. EVIL MEANS YOU’RE BAD, AND NEUTRAL IS JUST SAD, BUT LAWFUL GOOD IS GREAT!
BORIS: But what if someone isn’t lawful, but they aren’t evil either? Isn’t there something in the middle? Like, I don’t know, Chaotic good?
LLOYD: Boris, you’re overthinking this! You’re either Lawful good or chaotic evil. There’s no middle ground.
BORIS: Really?
LLOYD: Yes, well, you see... THERE ARE THOSE WHO SEE THE WORLD AS GREY, WE’RE ALL A MIX OF GOOD AND BAD, THEY SAY. THIS DIAMOND THIEF WOULD LEAD YOUR MIND ASTRAY. THE TRUTH IS THAT THERE’S ONE RIGHTEOUS WAY. BECAUSE IF YOU DO GOOD, YOU’RE GOOD. AND IF YOU DO BAD, YOU’RE NOT. YOU’RE DIRTY OR YOU’RE CLEAN, THERE IS NO IN-BETWEEN. YOUR ACTIONS ARE ALL YOU’VE GOT SO WHEN YOU’RE FACE-TO-FACE WITH SOMEBODY WHO OPERATES, OUTSIDE THE LAW, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRE, JUST HOLD YOUR GROUND, MY SON, AND THEN SHOW EVERYONE, HOW VERY LAWFUL GOOD YOU ARE!
CB (V.O.): But his parents' reassurances do little to snuff out the ball of anxiety that’s clogging Boris’s stomach...
BORIS: DIAMOND THIEF. THEY SUM YOU UP WITH WORDS SO BRIEF, BUT THEY WOULD BE IN DISBELIEF, IF THEY COULD ONLY SEE... THE BAD GUY. WELL, NOT A GUY, BUT BAD. YOU LIE, AND EVEN SO, I CAN’T DENY, YOU SET A CHILD FREE. THE BIG BAD. BUT CAN YOU REALLY BE THAT BAD? CUZ’ YOU DON’T REALLY SEEM THAT BAD. BUT MAYBE IT’S JUST ME.
BORIS, LLOYD, + EDITH: BECAUSE IF YOU DO BAD, YOU’RE BAD.
BORIS: YOURS WAS THE GOODEST BAD BY FAR.
BORIS, LLOYD, + EDITH: BUT A THIEF IS JUST A THIEF, AND BAD BEYOND BELIEF.
BORIS: SO IS THAT ALL YOU ARE?
EDITH + LLOYD: YOU WALK THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW ROAD THAT HAS BEEN PAVED FOR YOU, AND EVERYTHING WILL FOLLOW AS IT SHOULD.
LLOYD: JUST BE THE MAN YOU ARE,
EDITH: CEDRELA’S BEST BY FAR,
LLOYD + EDITH: THE SHINING STAR OF LAWFUL GOOD.
EDITH: BECAUSE LAWFUL GOOD IS GOOD!
LLOYD: MY DEAREST, LAWFUL GOOD IS GRAND.
EDITH: MY DARLING, LAWFUL GOOD IS GREAT.
LLOYD: LAWFUL GOOD IS AWFUL GOOD.
EDITH: GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD...
LLOYD: LAWFUL GOOD. LAWFUL GOOD...
CB (V.O.): To save us all from any more of that, we’ll let Boris get a good night’s rest and catch up with him the next morning, back at Guardsman Headquarters.
[END SONG. Papers, pens, general office sounds.]
TRAVIS: Stephan Downey isn’t talking, and Mrs. Downey doesn’t seem to have all the details. But she did have a little information that could be useful...
CB (V.O): Boris’s head is still spinning with questions, so much so he finds it a little hard to keep up. As usual when Boris needs to focus himself, his hand draws a pen like a sword from its sheath and starts doodling absentmindedly in the margins of his report.
[Scribbling as Boris doodles.]
TRAVIS: She’s seen groups of well-dressed men come to have dinner with her husband, occasionally with a big, heavy sack. But they never left with the sack, it always vanished somewhere between dessert and drinks. She thought her hubby was involved in some kind of smuggling deal, nearly lost her lunch when she found out what was probably in the sacks.
BORIS: Can’t blame her.
TRAVIS: Thing is, it wasn’t just twice. She’s seen at least a dozen sacks like that enter her house.
BORIS: A dozen sacks? Does that mean... a dozen children?
TRAVIS: Maybe.
BORIS: How could so many kids go missing without anyone noticing? And where are they now? Are they okay?
TRAVIS: I hope so...
BORIS: There wasn’t any blood in the cellar. The dungeon. CB called it a dungeon.
TRAVIS: Who?
BORIS: Never mind.
TRAVIS: Mrs. Downey feels rotten. I really don’t think she knew. I mean, she must have known something was going on, but I don’t think she ever suspected-- Are you drawing Mrs. Downey’s diamond necklace?
BORIS: Oh, uh, yeah, guess so.
TRAVIS: Anyway, that’s the extent of what we know. What I don’t get is why he would do this.
BORIS: Yeah.
TRAVIS: I mean, the Downeys have everything. Beautiful home, beautiful children, more money than they could ever spend... What more could they possibly need?
BORIS: Did she ever see any children or— or sacks leave the house?
TRAVIS: She said not even once. (Whispering.) Wait, do you think Mr. Downey could be... y’know... a serial killer?
BORIS: Maybe. But there’s something off about the whole thing. I mean, if he wanted to kill children, it would be far easier to take them to some secluded part of the forest and do it there, rather than involve others and craft some intricate victim delivery system...
TRAVIS: Hard to apply logic to child-murdering crazy... What do you want to do, B?
BORIS: We should open an investigation.
TRAVIS: Cadets never get put on investigations... This could be huge.
BORIS: I’ll talk to Hordeson about getting access to the home. It’s already a crime scene, so it should be easy enough.
TRAVIS: Good luck!
CB (V.O.): There are some Cadets that fear Lieutenant Hordeson, mostly due to his curt nature and gruff exterior, but Boris knows behind his skin of stone is a heart of gold. After all, Boris learned from his father that anyone who devotes their life to the service of Cedrela is someone to be respected.
[Knock knock knock.]
HORDESON: Enter.
[The door opens.]
BORIS: Sir? Do you have a moment?
HORDESON: What do you want, Dragonheart?
CB (V.O.): This is Boris’s moment. He’s going to request permission, open his investigation, save lives, and finally become the hero he was destined to be.
BORIS: I’d like to request access to the crime scene at the Downey Estate.
HORDESON: Access denied.
CB (V.O): Or not.
BORIS: What? But sir, I want to open an investigation into--
HORDESON: Dragonheart. If it was any old request and any old crime scene, I’d pass it easy as cream. But this is a delicate situation. The Downeys were massive contributors to our organization, and we have to be careful in how we go about the investigation. We can’t rush in blindly and make ourselves look like even bigger fools.
BORIS: Won’t a delay in action look like special treatment?
HORDESON: If there is further action to take - if - it’ll be done by a senior officer. That’s protocol for sensitive situations such as these.
BORIS: But Maria Downey said she saw dozens of sacks. Where did they all go? And how did children disappear off the streets without anyone filing a report. Or if a report was filed, why did nothing come of it?
HORDESON: Look, Dragonheart. If you want to contest the rejection of your search warrant, I’ll get you a meeting with Lieutenant Morlasar. But he’s just going to tell you the same thing I did.
BORIS: Thank you, sir. I’d appreciate that.
[Hordeson’s pen scratches against paper.]
HORDESON: And as for the missing persons reports, talk to Senior Cadet Harrison. He is heading that department at the moment, so he can clear up the process for you.
BORIS: Okay. Thank you, sir.
HORDESON: Cadet, where the hell are your cuffs?
BORIS: Oh. I’m, um, working on that, sir.
HORDESON: Good. And Dragonheart? One more thing...
[SONG - By the Book (Reprise)]
HORDESON: YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THAT THE WORD ON THE STREET IS I’M LEAVING IN THE FALL. WHICH MEANS THE GUARD’S ON THE HUNT FOR A BRAND NEW OFFICER THAT THEY CAN INSTALL.
BORIS: WELL, TRAVIS MAY HAVE MENTIONED ONCE...
HORDESON: CAN’T HIDE A DAMN THING FROM THAT DUNCE. YOU WANNA MAKE THIS TOWN, THE SAFEST IT CAN BE? YOU WANNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE?
BORIS: Definitely.
HORDESON: YOU WANNA BE THE BEST?
BORIS: Yes.
HORDESON: YOU WANNA BE THE ONE THAT THEY PROMOTE? BORIS, THE JOB’S AS GOOD AS YOURS PROVIDED YOU DON’T ROCK THE BOAT. I’M WARNING YOU BECAUSE I KNOW THE GUARD’S WAYS. THE ONES WHO KEEP THEIR HEADS DOWN RISE AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND EVERY STEP YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE, JUST KNOW YOUR FUTURE IS AT STAKE, ONE DAY YOU’LL MAKE THE RULES, BUT UNTIL THEN... STICK TO THE BOOK. Understand?
BORIS: Yes, sir.
HORDESON: Good. Dismissed.
BORIS: Thank you, sir.
[The door slams.]
BORIS: STICK TO THE BOOK, AND PLAY MY PART, IT’S TIME TO PROVE I’VE GOT THE HEART, THAT DIAMOND THIEF IS GONNA SEE WHAT I CAN DO. AND BY THE BOOK, IS HOW I’LL PLAY, I SWEAR I’LL MAKE THE BAD GUY PAY! I CAN’T ALLOW MYSELF TO QUESTION EVERYTHING I KNOW FOR ONE SMALL ELF. I WON’T FALL FOR YOUR SCAM! I KNOW JUST WHAT I’LL DO. THE NEXT TIME WE MEET, YOU WILL SEE HOW LAWFUL GOOD I AM!
[END SONG. The music trails off and the sounds of guardsmen HQ are replaced with the ambiance of the tavern from the beginning, though now the audience isn't talking, they're focused on the story.]
DRUNK: What happens next?!
CB: Oh, you’ll see! Everyone will see, very, very soon. But in the meantime, grab a drink. Tip your tavernkeep. Get comfortable. The epic tale has only just begun.
[A final chord plays.]
# Outro (45:10)
SHANE: And that was it!
SARAH: Yay!
SHANE: Yay. Hey, hey, did you like it?
SARAH: Did you hate it?
SHANE: You can tell us either way.
SARAH: We're not scared of you.
SHANE: We're not scared.
SARAH: Also, if you have any friends who you think might enjoy the podcast, feel free to send them our way.
SHANE: Yes, absolutely do that. You can point them at our Instagram, @TheRealityShaper, or our website, TheRealityShaper.com, which includes links to our personal social media, like
SARAH: SarahTKaufman on Instagram and TikTok
SHANE: And ShaneDittmar on those and other things.
SARAH: Also on TheRealityShaper.com, you can sign up to join our mailing list so you'll be the first to know if there are any updates,
SHANE: and you can find links to subscribe to The Reality Shaper: A Musical Podcast in the podcast app of your choice for podcasts.
SARAH: Thank you so much for listening and for supporting us, and we hope to be able to bring you more of this project very, very soon. I am They,
SHANE: And I am Them.
BOTH: Goodbye!
# Credits (46:03)
VOICEOVER: The Reality Shaper, Episode One: The Unearthing was based on the book by Sarah Kaufman and directed by Sarah Kaufman and Shane Dittmar. Book, music, and lyrics by Sarah Kaufman and Shane Dittmar. Featuring performances by Drew Coleman, Chloe Chappa, Jake Gluckman, Jimmy Schumacher, Kaylee Robinson, and Sarah Kaufman. Additional voices were provided by Natalie Myrick and Shane Dittmar. Special thanks to Angela Strauman, Chloe Chappa, Lucas Kaine, Kai Bonacorso, Kaitlin Dittmar, and Thomas Chappa. For listening to the credits in their entirety, we’d like to thank you with a d12 of Bardic Inspiration.
[A die rolls. We hope it was a 12.]
# Notes
* Dialogue in all caps represents sung (as opposed to spoken) lyrics.
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse